Conversations with… wolves :D

Dark moon it is, so it was time for the dark moon ritual. Just the usual stuff, cast the circle, complete the dedications I was unable to complete during Samhain (too tired from meeting Azrael), tapping into the currents of night… And, making an exception this time, communicating with  my guides. I actually went to a bar earlier today and managed to chat with them there, funny eh… Interestingly enough, I seem to sense Ephemera’s presence if I focus enough. Ok, it might be that I’m imagining the whole thing, but so what? It’s a good fairytale, no need to discard it just because it wasn’t real.

*fetches the notebook* I’m so darn good at forgetting all this important stuff immediately after it has been discussed about, so I really need to jot down some stuff in order to learn something. And since nobody said that I can’t talk about this stuff I’m gonna write it all here.

When chatting with Ephemera I tend to get the feeling that he is amused but also understanding about how little I know, and how enthusiastic I am, heh. When he speaks I hear his voice in my head, a soft low male voice, occassionally with a dash of witty humour. I like him (or I’m losing my mind, don’t really know). I’ve really been bothered by the fact that my social relationships suck, I mean, I do have a couple of friends and all, but I just don’t feel that they are enough… I’d like to get more, different friends, perhaps even somebody to love. I know very well that those things can’t improve that much if I don’t allow anybody to get close to me. Not that I’m consciously pushing people away or anything, it’s just the aura I have, the lack of self-confidence. E’s only advice was to wait, which led straight to the main issue, my self-esteem.

“Learn to look at yourself as if you were a stranger, without those filters that distort the view of you: what would you see? What would you think about yourself? Could you love yourself if you were somebody else?” I could, I really could, if a different me encountered this me, if you understand what I’m trying to say. I’d see this person (me) with her good sides and lacks, accept them… And that’s the insane part of it, I can’t do it while being simply me. Should I encounter a person who was just like me though, with same problems and feelings, I could love them, accept them, be friends with them, whatever. By asking those questions E really opened my eyes and made me realize how stupid my thoughts actually are and how much harm they do to me. Of course I try to protest that they’re not purely thoughts, that’s the way I feel and I can’t help it. “Don’t stick with the thought that you can’t do a thing about it, that you simply can’t accept yourself the way you are. The more you think that way, the stronger the thought and feeling becomes; you feed them, they grow. Should you simply ignore them, the energy will weaken with time, just like a body without food would. By no means am I saying that you should forget the problem, it’s that you have to take a different way to approach it.”

My long-term guide still doesn’t talk with me as much as E does, but I’m quite sure it’s a woman. Actually we just spoke a couple of words today. Oh well, I guess I’ll focus on E for now unless she has something to say. I was sitting in the bar right then, my long-term guide was sitting right next to me to my right side, E lying on the ground to the left. It’s weird! I could sense them, again almost feel them, even though I was far from entirely altered state. It does take a bunch of concentration to see or feel them though, and when I concentrate on something else (like writing) I only hear E’s words or thoughts in my head, but can’t really sense them that strongly anymore.

Anyways. E told me to create a list of the things I like and dislike about myself. When paying attention to the positive things, I should nurture them and thus create the feeling of being pretty and accepted. When concentrating on the negative things, I should think about why I find them negative, is there anything positive in them, and how could I learn to accept them better, and perhaps even directly change them if they are really harmful. I mentioned something about going for walks and trying to lose weight, and E said that since my health’s not that bad it’s not that necessary right now, and it’s something I should do for my health and to feel better, but when thinking about my self-esteem it doesn’t matter; the problem lies elsewhere and just losing a kilo or two won’t change it. I know he is right; I should be able to love myself the way I am. I shouldn’t think about the problems too much, time will help to overcome them as well, no huge changes will be made in one night… I should rather go out and have fun and just forget to feel depressed about myself

That’s pretty much of it. Now I should go to bed, it’s 1:31am and I have to wake up pretty soon. I even managed to meditate a couple of times last week, I’m proud of myself, yay! Gonna try harder this week though And yeah I know I have to continue the Jedi studies… I will, I will… feel guilty at least as long as I do nothing.

Encountering spirit guides… and other interesting stuff

This morning I woke up… well not the most normal way, at least! Somebody woke me up, really, calling my name softly three times, shaking the veil of dreams away. For a moment I thought there was somebody in my apartment, but then I realized nobody was there, at least in physical form, and wanted to check the spiritual side too… I sat down and began to breathe differently, thus altering my state of consciousness (a technique I just learnt last Saturday doing Samhain ritual, more on this later). As soon as I got close enough to that mindset I stood up, closed my eyes and asked if anybody was present… I got no answer so I opened my eyes and walked slowly around my apartment, eyes half closed, in that weirdo state which certainly doesn’t feel natural, lol! I always complain how I don’t see things like some other people do, and can’t really contact spirits at all. I won’t do that anymore. When I got to the hallway I saw …something. If I looked straight at them they disappeared, but I could see them when not staring at them directly. There was a shadowy human-sized figure, and another who quickly changed his shape to something smaller. I tried to ask if there was anything they wanted from me, but since I got no answer I just decided to ask them to come on in. Stating that I wasn’t experienced with communicating (which they obviously were aware of) I opened my computer and began to write an email, asking them to talk with me through automatic writing. I moved straight to the actual text part but somebody insisted on typing a title too, which was “Listen”

First off I asked who they were. Usually this kind of stuff will begin with “Hi” and lots of listening, I guess, but since they chose to let me see them I could try it bit more complicated a way. The one that was now significantly shorter than what he or she was in the beginning came to my left side (couldn’t see anything at this point, rather feel my left side tingling and such). I’m going to say he because I think it fits better. He said that they were my spirit guides. I asked if I had two guides. “Yes, at this moment. Ephemera – that’s me – and the other one who doesn’t approach you yet.” I was absolutely surprised by this. I had done a meditation to encounter my spirit guides that way ages ago, and I met a wolf, who told me his name was Ephemera. It’s a fascinating word, never heard it before, but it just stuck in my head. When I tried to google it I found the meaning from wikipedia, and it could be very roughly translated (the word derives from Greek) “temporary” or “something that doesn’t last long”. Of course I wanted to know if he was the same being I saw in a meditation, and if he was a wolf. Apparently he was the same, but he only took the form through which he thought communicating with me would be easiest. He is not a totem animal, and first took a human-like shape to get me to notice them.

Then the question that I was thinking about: Did you wake me up? Obviously he didn’t, it was the other guide (who apparently is a long-term guide). I asked the purpose of his existence, and I was told that he came here to help me move forward along the path I had chosen, and work as a protector, motivator and a guide. And what about this path? To put it straight, it’s a way to spiritual enlightenment of sorts. It helps me to get balanced and to understand energies around and within me, and this also involves working heavily on my self-esteen issues. Obviously he could help me with all that, in addition to all things.

At this point I remembered that there can be spirits that don’t have noble goals and asked a series of questions, all of them related to my day-to-day life. All of them were answered correctly and truthfully, and I was slightly amused when I asked the members of my family. The answer was “mother, father, two little sisters and two dogs”. I asked the reason of putting my father in the list since I don’t consider him to be a part of my family. He said that the question was open for interpretation, so he stated biologic members, and obviously the dogs are a part of my life too. I wonder if there was some sarcasm to be seen…

Well, after this I asked another bunch of questions, getting very good answers to them. When I asked about things I should concentrate on in the beginning of our “conscious” work together I was told that I need to learn to trust him (and other stuff which don’t need to be placed here), and I asked if I should just take everything for granted. The answer was no, I should learn to question, ask more and test everything myself. Well, that’s an answer to my liking. I wanted to know how I’ll get to contact them later, and I was told that I will be contacted but I’ll have to learn to listen first, and I have to practice contacting as well. At some point during the conversation I realized that he actually was in the form of a wolf, with one exception: he had wings too. It was a weird addition when you think about it rationally but it felt to be just right.

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So, about Samhain. It was a carefully planned ritual, since I work with magick, and decided to take the first steps to the shadow side. It’s so much more my thing than traditional witchcraft, since I get to do my magick at night, which feels more comfortable. Not that it’s a left-hand path or anything, people just too often think light to be good and dark to be evil, which is not the case at all. Dark can be good too, and light can be evil… Just think about the glorious preachers of human and animal rights who beat their wives behind closed doors. Anyways. Since Samhain night is the time when the two worlds become reachable from both sides we decided to contact Azrael, the angel of death, to better learn his mysteries and thus learn more about life itself. I am not going to write everything that happened, but as soon as we had reached the altered state of consciousness and began to chant his name and asked him to appear… Well, he did come. It’s incredible how much negative energy has been associated with this entity, this natural part of life. I felt at loss, anxious and sad in his presence. I’m seeing my life differently now, and not feeling alone or afraid anymore, knowing that he is there to take my hand when my time comes. Life is fascinating, and most definitely worth living. It occured to me very clearly that I am a mortal being, and he was something ancient and powerful. That didn’t make me to think less of myself though, not at all. Absolutely interesting, I will have to chat with him later on when I’ve gained more experience in this area. After the communication we were so tired that we couldn’t continue to do what we were supposed to, so we’ll complete other Samhain ritual tomorrow The experience was amazing and totally exhausting. After that I seem to have become slightly more aware of everything, and perhaps this is somehow connected with the encounter with the guides. There’s always a possibility.

And here I’m going to add that I’m back in business and will continue my studies with better success. After all, I have the time, and it’s good for me to discipline myself by actually doing something that matters.

Still can’t get anything done

My both computers at home do not work. I can get online only at school or chez mom’s, and that sure ain’t helpful. I can’t access the workbooks from those places, but I’ll do what I can. Just got to kick my butt to remember to meditate. Got some problems with the position but I just gotta get myself used to it. I don’t want to meditate lying on my back, but when I sit breathing seems to be somewhat forced, at least it doesn’t feel natural since I can’t get as much air into my lungs as when I’m lying down. Weird.

Otherwise I’m doing fine in my life, it just gets boring from time to time since there’s not much change going on. Never thought I’d love change! At least I’m enjoying autumn a lot, it’s so pretty here, days are getting shorter and colder. I love it. Time for the darkness to take over… with style

Dream: explosion

Just woke up so I’ll post this before I forget what it was all about.

I was working for a F1 garage, the funny thing was that the track was inside a building. There were mainly two teams racing there, the red team and the blue team, and I was in the red one. I can remember that I was driving at some point as well. Strangely enough there was a room where I played the piano that was connected to a computer (for composing with some sort of a program). I had the weirdest hair I’ve ever seen, it was longer than my hair now is and white with one purple stripe and some blue stripes on the other side. Funny thing was that it really looked good on me and made people notice me (which was exactly what I wanted). So, I went to this room and there was a black guy playing piano. He was awesome. I can’t remember how the thing went but obviously we got to know each other at least a bit.

Well, after that I was walking around the garage when they started cleaning it, all of a sudden, nobody even told me to get out of the way. Suddenly it turned out to be a giant car washer with me still inside. I made it safe somehow but was pretty pissed off because of that. Obviously I had a friend there too and we ‘escaped’ together. Later my working day was over and we were in a car (we: me, the black guy from before and my sis) when we noticed a strange flash in the sky and looked left. The clouds we saw were too different to be ordinary ones and just as I mentioned something about a possible explosion the shock wave came. I covered my face since I got the feeling that it’s gonna break the windows, and it did. Nobody got hurt. The first thought was, “We gotta get the hell outta here”, but then my sister said “But mom’s still in there!”. I was like, “Oh crap” and we went to check up on her. While driving there I examined the city that turned out to be just ruins. She turned out to be fine, I was a bit surprised she lived in that place, I guess it was a place we had lived before (not in real life though) but was not going to live there long since guys were carrying the furniture out of the house. I never found out why she was moving out, but even though she was not hurt by the explosion something was just not right. I hugged her, she began to cry and then mentioned something about the things she had seen again (spirits, ghosts or something) and I thought she was hallucinating since lately stuff like that had occurred far too often to be normal for her. That made me worried. Especially when she exclaimed that it was her fault, the explosion, and I asked her to clarify the thing. She gave me a totally irrational response and I thought of the possibility of her gone crazy. It was not nice, but overall the dream was not that ‘negative’ at all, I had a lot of fun there as well.

Communication Pre Assessment

1. Immediately following making a mistake, what do you say to yourself, internally or externally?

Something like, “Damn!”. Usually I don’t blame myself that much, I just try again or something, but sometimes my self talk is something like “Why don’t I get this right”. When I say things I shouldn’t say I swear inside my head and mentally kick myself to get it right next time. After that I say to myself, “ok, I screwed this one up, but that’s ok, I’ll try not to screw it up next time”.

2. When you are confronted with something you are unsure how to handle, how much of your concern is your inability to accomplish the task?

I’m quite concerned about that. Most likely I’m to think that somebody else could handle this better than I, and feel very insecure and bothered. I always try to give it the best I can and don’t even like asking for help that much, which sometimes leads to a failure. If it’s nothing big I just try again (if it’s a repeatable thing) till I get it right, or simply ask somebody else to handle the thing.

3. When you are communicating with another, do you more often seek information or understanding of the situation?

Depends on the situation, but if I had to pick one I’d pick understanding of the situation. I’d rather understand than just know things, I think.

4. Do you share an experience immediately after someone shares one with you or do you ask questions of them about theirs?

I’m not that good at sharing so mostly I ask more about their experiences. I’m the one people like to talk to so I let them talk. I only share an experience of mine if I feel that it’s worth sharing, something that relates to the situation, that is.

5. If you expect a person to do something, and they fail to do it, do you get upset?

Generally yes. I try to see their side of the story too though, especially if it’s something I’ve asked them to do. I might also wonder why I’m expecting that thing, is it really necessary and such…

6. When someone upsets you and they walk away, what is your response? Do you follow them or let them go?

I let them go. I dislike those situations and find an eas solution to it; no matter how upset I might be I have no need to start a fight and rather make things clear when I’ve got rid of the emotion.

7. Do you get angry a lot when trying to communicate with others?

Very rarely, the only exception being my family (when everybody’s tired). If I don’t understand something, or the other party doesn’t I try to make things clear peacefully. Let’s say that I don’t have the need to argue with others, I’m a lover, not a fighter

8. How many times do you hear yourself saying things like “That’s awful?” or “It was great!”?

Sometimes. Mostly I have my own opinion about things and if somebody has a different opinion I don’t go around shouting their opinions… That is, if somebody thinks it sucks that they lost their job and I don’t agree I don’t say what they’d expect me to say, I’ll be more like “I see. How do you feel about it?”. Being familiar with the Chinese story about a man whose horse ran away, neighbours said “That’s awful” and he replied “How do you know?”, the next day the horse came back with a pack of other wild horses and the neingbours said “That’s great” etc I’m a bit careful to judge something just like that, and have learnt a bit of receiving things as they are. Ok it probably didn’t go just like that but you get the idea But sure I do say things like that, not as often as I could but I still do.

9. Do you always find yourself being misrepresented from something you said and never seem to be understood?

Sometimes, but not that often. Sometimes I find it hard to get my ideas understood though, but I can’t say ‘always’. Perhaps I just avoid explaining stuff that others “wouldn’t understand anyway” lol.

10. Is the sentence “This coffee is bad” a statement of fact?

No way, it’s an opinion and they do vary as we all know. People tend to see things differently, and have different tastes, so generally it’s not a fact but it can be a fact to that person, just like I dislike coffee and it will always be bad to me.

11. Please create your own statement of fact.

Stop breathing and you die. Easier said than done… Anyways, I’ve been taught that people die if they don’t breathe so I find this a fact. Even though it’s practically impossible to stop breathing just like that without any tools to help with it the signs are promising that you won’t last long without air.

12. The traffic light was green at 8:35 yesterday and today. Is it a fact of an assumption that it will be green tomorrow at 8:35?

This reminds me of the time when I went to work by bike. I knew that if my speed is good enough I’ll be able to pass this and this and this crossing while the light’s green. It is an assumption, unless you personally know that the lights are programmed that way.

13. Please respond to the following as if it was a post in a forum: “The Force is just God. In fact, there’s no need to call ourselves Jedi because we can just call ourselves God’s Children. I know you all feel it too. So why not just admit it?”

There are people who just don’t like the idea of the Force being “God”. I, for example, feel that way. To some people there’s nothing divine about it, some people feel it to be their God, but there are different opinions and views and no matter how much somebody ‘knows’ the truth about things there will always be those who oppose. So why not let everybody feel comfortable with their own beliefs? When I think about the Force being God and us as God’s Children, well, that means that Children must have parents, right, and that must be God, who then must have a ‘personality’, right? To me the Force has no personality, it just is. It’s not a ‘higher form’ of energy since it’s everything and in everything, and thus I feel no need to worship it. Just like there are different religions there are different philosophies, and what’s wrong with calling ourselves Jedi? I think it tells a lot more about us than “God’s Children”. Especially since being a Jedi doesn’t mean following a certain religion, and God is always associated with a religion. By no means am I judging somebody for thinking that way, each to his own, but to some people this God does not exist the way it probably does to you. And, if the Force is God, and it’s everywhere and in everything, it means that we are divine as well, so should we drop the “Children” and just keep the term “God” to describe us?

Update and strange dreams

So, my both computers pretty much hate me and that seriously causes problems in updating my blog. Anyways, since it seems to work now decently I’m adding this update. I’m really glad the courses are self-paced, I could never keep up with a term schedule with these machines.

Last night I had an interesting dream… Yeah my dreams tend to be quite interesting. I was somewhere in the wild, I remember a creek and lots of green stuff, sunshine, birds… Everything was so… alive. There I was, and something was different from before (not sure what that ‘before’ was but anyways). I was wearing white clothes, pretty much like a white kung fu outfit, and was performing a series of movements, kung fu most likely. I’ve never been as aware as I was then, I was able to feel everything around me, I truly was present in the moment. The feeling I had was incredible, it felt as if I was floating somehow, I was so light and was able to perform movements I possibly couldn’t in real life. I felt really good. It was like being high without drugs lol. I remember also talking with spirits of nature or something, and them giving me advice. And I was making things float again, and that was nice because I had the feeling of mastery, like I had learnt everything I needed to know, not only in that area.

Then I had this other dream, can’t remember which one came first. But. Me and my family were on a vacation and were driving to the destination… Everything was quite green at first but then we turned left, I remember, and there was this land of sand. A vast area, no plants, no water, just sand. We were quite excited since it was something different. There were huge mountains of sand, everything was just sand. There were small cottages too that people could rent and spend their vacation there. When we reached our own place it was a small run-down dump. From the outside it looked like an orange wooden house, and inside there was only two beds that we had to share with somebody. I don’t know where my friend’s boyfriend appeared but I was to share a small single bed with him, and the whole thing just irritated everybody and was extremely unpleasant (especially when we went to sleep, nobody had enough space). There were other people in the area as well, some of them slept in the middle of the sand fields, some in their cottages, and during the day we took walks there, not really understanding what on earth we did there, and thinking that the whole thing sucked. At some point the dream got so annoying and made me so anxious that I just had to wake myself up. I think that this was the first dream I saw because I didn’t get up then and fell asleep again.

Now I’m like, “What?”. The funny thing is, my family and other people were in this depressing dream, other people being ordinary worn-out kind of people. In the other dream there were others too but only a few and they were passing by or something, but they were ’shining’ and full of serenity and happiness. I have no idea what’s with those dreams… yet.

Edit: I don’t know what’s going on. My dreams are very dynamic and full of motion and ‘exploding’ energy. The cards say that things are changing, and I should be prepared to leave the old behind and recheck my needs and get rid of the harmful stuff to move on to “The Great Unknown”. I feel it everywhere else as well, the change. The wind feels different, I’m more aware of things, it’s a bit difficult to explain… No matter how many times I read the cards it’s always there, the encouragement to take a leap to the unknown with a smile on my face. It won’t be anything “out of the blue” stuff though, since The Tower or Death have not appeared. Regarding the dreams I had I didn’t get much clarification, just that I have to find the ability to face even the not that pleasant things, since I’m just running away if I encounter something I can’t handle, just as I did in the dream, I woke myself up. I have to find the ability to “be calm even in the middle of the storm”, right now I’m calm only when everything else is calm. I was also warned not to get any weird ideas in my head, that is to keep my feet on the ground and goals realistic but understand that I am and will be capable of reaching heights I haven’t even dreamt of. Also one more thing that is always present; I need to be patient. Things will come when the time is right, no need to rush things or do more than I have to.

The Great Animal Prison Escape

Yeah, I woke up two minutes ago. Yeah, I had a funny dream. I’m pretty sure that I’ve seen it before but can’t remember when, most likely years ago.

I was an animal. Can’t really tell which one, I altered my shape along the way obviously… The variety of animals I dealt with was enormous, there was anything you can imagine from penguins to giraffes to weasels. For a reason I and my animal friends didn’t understand we had to spend the rest of our lives in a prison that human beings had built for us. It looked like a huge old storage house with a small yard full of dirt and old tires and junk. On the other side of the yard was the gate… A huge one that slides open horizontally. From time to time the guards came to check on us and kicked or pushed away those who ‘were on their way’. I was very pissed off with them and couldn’t understand what on earth had we done wrong. This prison was located near the dock of a huge and wealthy city where everything was big. I really didn’t know (or remember) what was outside before we actually got there.

Well, we got fed up with the whole thing and decided to find a way out. I miraculously succeeded in lockpicking the huge gate, that was an accident actually, I was just examining it. I was Winnie the Pooh then I remember. Well, since we hadn’t organized a thing and were not prepared to the grand opening my action caused we all simply rushed back to the warehouse before the guards would notice anything. Our logic was that if they saw nobody near the gate then it must have opened by itself by an accident or something Well, the guards came in, immediately asking questions of the incident, and after a while we just… attacked. No idea what happened to the guards. The gate was closed again and I went to open it but it was clear that not everybody could escape through that before more guards would come. Somebody found a Jeep and drove around the place with a victorious grin. The rest of us who had no time to escape through the gate jumped in the Jeep, I was driving (I think I was a fox) and a cow somewhere got familiar with their pyromaniac side and started a fire near the prison to distract the guards. We found a back gate and went through it, driving as fast as I could, six animals packed in the car. We reached the borderline of the prison area, there was another gate with two guards. They asked us where we were going, and I told there was a fire and we had to get out. Somebody mentioned something about us being guards too, no idea how on earth they actually believed it but we got through. Somebody came right after us and explained they had to be in a restaurant at 4pm. They got through too lol!

We all were very excited as we drove along the road in the middle of green grass, barns and fields. It was not far from the city and we were trying to get to the city because of the dock. Apparently somebody had gone before us and we were trying to reach them or get to the same destination or something. There were a ton of small roads and paths and I was like “Where should we go next?”. Nobody else knew since we had never been there but since I was the one driving I chose the way and we ended up in the city eventually… Not yet though. My choices led us near the sea, I guess it was an enormous river (since everything in the city was enormous and we were just teenyweeny animals) and the road continued on the right side of it. It led to a manor, and the gates opened as we went in. There were many people in their fine suits and dresses having a tea party or something in the garden. They looked really shocked but nobody did anything. As we reached the other end of the courtyard a gatekeeper opened the other gate for us since he was used to doing so, but then he realized what he was doing and tried to close the gate. My thought was that we were going to get through that, no matter what, so I sorta cut in between the closing halves of the gate and barely made it. Everybody cheered. The mansion was high on a hill, on the right there were trees and grass, on the left water. At this point the river had gone very thin and since we were higher than the opposite strand we abandoned the Jeep and somehow… jumped. I (a weasel this time) flew as if somebody had thrown or smacked me with a bat. I was quite happy to see that the place I was going to land in was a huge zoo, that meant that we would get help from there. Well, I landed without any broken bones or bruises, so did my crew, and since we were in a hurry and had to get the hell out of the city as fast as possible I decided we needed an animal to give us a helping hand. “Which one should we pick?” I asked, and after asking around we decided to take a goat. He was very helpful and agreed to deliver us to the city. We jumped on his back (don’t ask me how all 6 animals did that) and we left. He ran incredibly fast (even though he ran backwards, I was facing forward but his bottom was right in front of me lol) and we got out of the zoo without problems.

The ships we saw were enormous (surprisingly). They were tall as a mountain and had the flag or Great Britain painted in them. Most of them were heading to Europe and I saw texts like Helsinki and Oslo in them. Even though we were not on the wrong side of the river anymore we had to jump in the water. I actually drove in the water with the Jeep too but wasn’t that successful, that’s why we had to abandon it. Somehow I was the one driving the goat (that sounds wicked) and he went faster than most of the ships in the river. We reached the harbour after the dock and thanked for him, he kindly refused to go with us and wished us luck. We all had made it so far without greater problems and even though we might have been hit by lack of faith sometimes we always just continued. We were walking in the harbour area being totally amazed by the amount of the ships. They all looked the same and had that Great Britain flag painted on them. They were so tall and the chains were huge and we were so small. Somehow in the middle of all those people we found the right ship and were thinking about how to get in, and since we all were quite small I suggested that we could climb the chains to get in the ship. The thought of climbing really made me shiver since the goal seemed to be so far away and it was so high and I wasn’t comfortable with heights.

At this point I woke up. That was surely an action-packed and fun dream Even though it got scary at times it always kept that good vibe. I’m quite sure I’ve seen this dream before, perhaps a bit different though, I can’t remember the prison thing but I do remember that the  great journey was a part of it. I wonder what’s the meaning of this. Well, fun it was anyway

Meditation – Personal Reflection

What factors have led you towards meditation? What hopes and expectations do you have? Do you practice mediation currently, or have in the past? If so, how successful have you been? Share your experiences.

I remember concentrating was much easier years ago when I first encountered and tried meditation. Trying to find alternative lifestyle and improvement to my life, mediation was one of the first things I remember encountering. I borrowed a book about meditating and it was an old-fashioned, boring and difficult description of how to meditate ‘correctly’. Or that’s how I remember, lol! Anyways, later on I’ve tried different kinds of meditation but have never been able to create a routine or anything. When I took tai chi course I noticed my concentration ability go up… Somehow that slow moving, concentrating on correct posture and smooth movements was just brilliant medicine to my mind. I remember feeling really good during that time… After that I really haven’t had any success with meditation.

My expectations? Let’s say I’m carefully positive and hopeful I mean, I’m prepared to be bored, that’s most likely the first thing I’ll notice, but I’m quite confident I can beat it. I really look forward to seeing an improvement in my concentration abilities… The truth is, I have too much thoughts in my head and would like to get rid of some of them. If I learnt to concentrate on something else than them, perhaps something else would come into the space of the thoughts… Awareness is what I’m definitely looking for. I need meditation a lot, having heard much about the positive effects it has on people makes me want to get my share too. And since I want to learn to listen to the Force I need to find a way to get rid of the noise inside my head. In time I’ll learn to find the silence more often and reach the level of peace and calmness I want to. I suppose it would help me to control my actions as well since I tend to respond to emotions quite quickly and suffer from my actions later on.

Funeral

Yesterday was the funeral of my maternal uncle Pauli. We had to wake up early and leave at 8 to be in Jyväskylä early… It’s over 800km there and back so driving there sure was quite tiring. Since mom’s so good at getting lost it was amazing to see that we were there 20 minutes before the ceremony began lol. I kinda knew what to expect since I’ve never enjoyed meeting mom’s siblings or relatives… The second we got there mom’s brother’s wife came to greet us by hugging. I so don’t understand why on earth she always does that even though we meet only if there’s a funeral or something like that. I heard that she’s a psychologist, but she’s the wrong kind… I never like it when strangers hug me, especially when I know a bit about them and don’t like what I see. I mean, if something feels uncomfortable and hypocritical then that must be it. She tries to look like she’s interested in everybody and being empathetic but fails miserably and only makes herself look like she’s sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong. Purely annoying. All of our relatives are pretty conservative and stubborn and have very strong opinions, and if somebody else says something that doesn’t fit their image of something it is just plain wrong. Sounds a lot like my father! Most of the time they give me weird looks but never say anything face to face, that’s because of the way I look. Not that many people have blue hair and dress in black all the time, nor do they wear a pentagram. I honestly don’t give a damn what they think about me or my family but I hate the fact that they try to be so much better than everybody else.

The blessing ceremony was pretty short, less than one hour, and it was good that way. People cried and were sad and I, being the oldest and in a way closest to mom amongst my siblings had to be the support. I was not sad but predicted that I’d become sad if I couldn’t block all that emotional force around me… I was quite successful in shielding and ‘turning down the noise’. That didn’t help me much though when mom saw her dead brother and grabbed my hand. That sure was a powerful rush of mixed emotions! She kinda laughed and cried silently at the same time. She told me later that Pauli appeared in front of her and seemed to come closer, and began disappearing as the song was ending (she didn’t know that it was ending though). Obviously both my sisters felt something too in a form of intense heat in some part of their body (left side of the face and the back). I didn’t sense a thing but that didn’t surprise me either… I’m kinda blind to sensing things and even more if I desperately try to shield myself from extra energies.

The memorial gathering was not that bad. It was held in a restaurant and the food was delicious. We heard some people telling their memories about Pauli and sure some of them were absolutely amusing… He has always been very lively and accepting towards others. He spoke many languages and travelled a lot… He surely had a way with his words and got through many difficult situations by talking. I remember not appreciating him much when I was younger because he drank a lot, but this event made me think that there actually was something very special about him, something that nobody else in this family doesn’t have… I’m not quite sure what made me think that way, perhaps the fact that he had a really positive outlook on life and just ‘went with the flow’, having this incredible ability to survive even in the most difficult occassions… He’s always drop on his feet. He never appreciated the rest of his siblings much (except my mother, who was always his ‘precious little sister’) but I guess that was simply returning their feelings since he was always the black sheep of the family. Anyways, his body will be burnt and ashes be put in an urn. Pauli had mentioned my mother that he wanted his ashes to be thrown into the sea, and when mom said this to her older sister the reply she got was “He must have been simply joking when he said that”. That’s only how she would want the thing to be but most of his siblings never even knew him well and thus can’t really say what he would have wanted or not. It was not wanted because it was not traditional, the way it “should have been done”. I guess he’ll end up in the sea anyway, and that’s good. I think he would have been a lot happier that way. Even during the ceremony there were some people chatting and gossiping about something, and that is very annoying. It seems to be pretty much the most important thing in the family to know who did what and when and with whom… Always the same thing, no matter where we are. I really don’t like those people, it’s all far too superficial for me. Same thing with mom, she is never actually accepted because she does the things her own way.

Observing people was kinda interesting though. Some where there because they ‘had to’, some obviously felt they didn’t belong in there and would prefer to grieve alone or at least somewhere else. Some were really sad and at loss. Others just made observations about people in their little groups. Some people left as early as possible, and we were those people. It really wouldn’t have been any use to stay longer than necessary. Anyways, the whole thing was absolutely exhausting and I was really happy when we left. Of course I didn’t manage to behave myself when we were driving home, being just too tired to care. I tried to kick myself mentally though and rather shut up than argue, knowing that we all were tired. No matter how tired, I’m always responsible of my own actions, and luckily I’ve learnt to say sorry… It takes a couple of minutes of silent thinking though till I cool down and realize that it was not a good way to act. Well, I’m learning all the time.

Personal Learning Plan

This is the Personal Learning Plan regarding my Jedi studies, as well as my other goals in life. Thanks to Jax it worked out really easily The one I wrote before was just a list of my thoughts to see what’s going on. Anyways, here we go!

The first courses I will take are Meditation and Communication, because they will be m0st useful to me right now. Meditation helps me to get my life and mind balanced, Communication gives me confidence and the ability to understand others better and most of all, listen to and understand myself. Soon after them I will deal with Personal, to support my training and give me reminders, and Creed to give me a good understanding of the ideas behind the ideas. I think after them I need to recheck my current needs to see what to take next.

I will start a physical activity to get in shape. First I’m going to go for a walk for 10 minutes or more every day just to get used to it, and do pilates or yoga twice a week. Next year I’m going to start kung fu or tai chi again. I love martial arts since they’re more than physical excercise and so far seem to be the only ’sports’ I truly enjoy I’m trying to create a good excercising routine that I’m able to keep up with.

Goals

Jedi training: In one month I’m going to establish a good meditation routine and calm my mind a bit. In six months, improve my self-esteem and learn to know myself better. I also wish to learn the ‘basics’ of being a Jedi and improve my ability to connect to my higher self and the Force. In a year I wish to have a good foundation where to build further skills and improvement on, as well as to learn to appreciate myself and others and realize my full potential, strenghts and weaknesses.

School: It’s quite difficult to set goals for just one month so I concentrate on going to school in time and doing as I’m told, and doing it well of course. Whatever I’ll study I try to learn as much as I can and get as good grades as possible. Our school just changed the grading system and it’s very easy now, 0=fail, 1=satisfactory, 2=good and 3=excellent. I’ll be aiming for 3 but 2 is ok too. If I get 1 that means I haven’t learnt enough and will do what I can to learn more about the subject, possibly taking the course again. In six months or one year I wish to have learnt the basics well enough so that moving on will not be a problem.

And I think the Jedi part pretty well explains my personal goals… I’m fed up with disliking myself and wish to change it. I need to know myself better to understand others and develop my abilities. I also have to get in shape to most of all feel better and stay healthy. And I have to learn to calm my mind